Freaking Fibro

Busy

kanniduba9 Comments

Well well well!! Things are busy in the Zanduba household! All is well and I find myself stopping in my tracks quite frequently to say a prayer of thanks that I once again can MAKE tracks. I have made peace with my medications, and my twice a week chiropractor visits are now so routine that I’m trading girl talk and decorating advice with the nurses and receptionist. 🙂 My body takes care of me as long as I’m taking care of it and putting it first. Very grateful to find myself here compared to where I was one year ago I take NOTHING for granted, including the ability to lie comfortably still. Not sure I’ll ever be what I was, but that’s okay.

Anyway, back to the here and now…May is here, and things are moving. Notices about end of the year activities are coming home from school (OMG!!!) and spring band and orchestra concerts are happening. Mister is playing tee ball for the first time, so we have games to attend a couple nights a week. Here he is at his first game:

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Doesn’t he look like he’s having fun?! Okay, you’re right, he wasn’t having ANY fun! But, each game has brought a few more smiles. I’m thinkin’ baseball might not be his thing though. Time will tell.
As you know we’ve been painting the kitchen. It’s *nearly* done. Still a few things left to do, but here’s a sneak peek at the progress:

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I’ll dedicate a whole post to it when we’re officially done. I’m loving the brightness and freshness!
And this came today! Official blueprints!

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It’s all very exciting! I don’t like writing out those big checks though. That part is scary.
So much more, but it will have to wait…
I’ll leave you with more dandelion fun from today. Wonder if he will ever grow tired of these?

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What Love Looks Like

kanniduba4 Comments

Wisdom comes with years they say. How true that is. When I was younger, in answer to the question, “What does love look like?” I would have answered something like: a kiss….an old couple holding hands…a bouquet of red roses…candles, and diamonds, and wedding veils.

Now here I am in my forties early forties, and my answers to the question, “What does love look like?” have changed. Now, I would answer: a Daddy changing his newborn’s diaper…a band-aid….a chaotic family dinner…a Bible on the nightstand…brown eyes….a sleeping child no matter how big they grow…a clean kitchen that you didn’t clean…a shoveled path to your car…

And this…This, my friends, is what love looks like:

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My dear husband, appalled at seeing me kneel on the basement floor to put laundry in and out of the washer and dryer, built me this platform so I can stand up straight while dealing with the clothes. He even made it big enough so the basket sits on the platform…no more bending!!! My life just got a whole lot easier, and I am so very grateful. 🙂

1.1.12

kanniduba2 Comments

I used to have a recurrent dream when I was younger. I would be underwater and couldn’t surface. Something was holding me back making it impossible for me to rise. I would be terrified, knowing I was about to die from lack of oxygen. And when it hurt too much to hold my breath any longer I would relinquish my hold on this life, close my eyes in prayer, and then breathe in the water. It was then I would find that I could breathe, as deeply and purely as I could above the surface. I felt such relief and a pure joy that I cannot describe, and I would look around me in wonder, completely mesmerized at the beauty surrounding me. This is the closest I can come to describing those few enlightened moments I have experienced in 2011….like breathing underwater.

I used to believe that the theme of my life was “patience.” Every big experience seemed to point to my need to learn patience. I could go on and on with examples including family challenges, life choices, and personal difficulties that for so long seemed to point to this central theme.

But then came 2011.

It has presented me with what is perhaps my biggest personal struggle yet…learning to live inside a body that not only needs, but demands tender loving care. I am not good at putting my needs first…maybe not even second or third. And now I must put my body first or all the rest goes to Hell. There’s that patience theme again…or is it??? I think maybe not.

In 2011 I have come to believe that I’ve been missing The Lesson. All these years I thought I needed to learn patience. I now believe God has been trying to teach me a different and much deeper lesson. Perhaps He has been trying to teach me to relinquish control…reminding me that life cannot be controlled or predictable…that it is in the letting go that life can be truly lived, love can be freely given, faith can be wholly realized. Not only am I not “in control” but I must learn how to release my illusion of control and simply trust that all that is outside of it is, in fact, in much greater hands.

This year has forced me to a place of no control. At times I have felt like someone else is operating my ride and won’t let me off no matter how loud I scream. But at the same time, 2011 has christened me with glimpses of what relinquishing control feels like. It is difficult to find the words to describe it, but I have felt it…moments of pure peace where I let go and float on a wave of calm understanding. The moments are brief, and I can’t access them easily yet, but they are there. When I can quiet my mind and shut out the noise they are there.

God hasn’t been trying to teach me patience. That is a trivial thing I continue to work on. He has been placing challenges before me that point my Soul to something deeper.

Trust.
Have Faith.
Relinquish Control.
Breathe.
Live.

Hello 2012, and a very Happy New Year to you all! May it be one filled with many moments of calm understanding for all of us.

Day 17

kanniduba1 Comment

So, seventeen days ago I eliminated wheat from my diet, ten days ago I started a new muscle relaxant to deal with the back/nerve, and six days ago I started seeing a chiropractor who began a manual disc decompression regimen.

The last three days I have felt better than I have in eight months. 🙂

The pain in my back is fading, the sciatic nerve has gone quiet, and all my other aches and pains, from my knees to my shoulders to my elbows, have vanished. The fatigue still settles in around 7:00pm, and my stamina is low, but boy, does it feel good to move again.

Unfortunately, I changed so many things at once, it will take time to sort out what’s doing what…but I feel like I’m moving forward after so many months of stagnation and backward slides. I’m certain I still have a long journey ahead, and more than a few backward slides to face, but I believe something is finally clicking into place.