Hello?

Hello?

Is anybody still out there???

I know I left you.

I’m sorry.

But I’m not.

I have been shifting, rolling with the tides, coping with changes, enjoying life in the quiet moments, going where time is directing me to go, starting down paths unknown and scary and exciting.

Suspended, waiting for the inevitable change coming to my husband’s job at the end of 2013…preparing financially for the possibility of unemployment, but even more for the life that is coming for us so quickly, whether we will it or not.  A sixteen year old Junior does that to you.  You see her driving, having relationships, morphing into an adult before your very eyes, and you realize that child number two and child number three’s “little person time” will end as quickly as the sixteen year old Junior’s did, and suddenly you are hit with the unmistakable fact that they won’t need you forever.  That your time will once again be your own…maybe not yet, maybe not soon, but it will feel “soon” nonetheless.  And you begin to develop new dreams.

The dreams you dreamed in high school, in college, as a newly married couple have all been realized if you are as blessed and fortunate as we have been.  Time for some new dreams.  Imagining the second half of my life is somehow so much more foggy than the imaginings for the first half of my life.

I was going to be a teacher. Check.

I was going to teach in my home school. Check.

I was going to get married and raise a family. Check.

I was going to buy a two story old house with character and charm and make it our home. Check.

Now what?

I am going to own a lake house. Ummmm….is that REALLY what I want?  Another house to take care of…another huge expense when I could save that money for travel…

I am going to travel all over the world.  Ummm….not yet, but if we play it smart, we should be able to later.  But what if we have no later?  What if…maybe now is the time to do it, with the kids…

I am going to go back to teaching.  Ummmm….maybe not.  Is that where I am being “called?” If I listen carefully, I think, perhaps not.

So I’ve been shifting.  Some of my dreams are no longer my dreams…and that’s okay.

I’ve spent six years home in Mommy mode…cleaning, cooking, tending.  Lost myself somewhere along the way and my body got pretty ticked off about it.  The journey of regaining my health has been a long and arduous process, but one I am proud of.  Shifting.

I enjoyed photography along the way, and I still do, but needed a break.  It became more from the head and less from the heart, and that isn’t what art is.  When my heart is ready to pick up the camera again, it will.  Shifting.

Writing also became more from the head…not what I want it to be.  A task, a chore, rather than a release.  Trimmed back, cut it out.  Dabbling a bit again…writing from the heart.

This spring I was elected to our local Board of Education.  It reignited a spark in me that has been squelched for six years…education is my love, my passion, a part of my soul.  I haven’t felt whole without it.  So I’m going back.  I have applied to my alma mater, SUNY Plattsburgh, to work towards my Certificate of Advanced Study in School Building Leadership.  I’m going back to school, and I haven’t been this excited about anything in a very long time.  Shifting.

Will I be an administrator someday?  Who knows?  My new dreams are not nearly as fully formed as the old ones were.  My future is foggy…I am preparing, but God has not yet unveiled what I am preparing for.  He is simply sending me down this path and I am blindly following, trusting that all will be revealed in time.

The kids are getting older, self-sufficient, involved in their own wonderful things, and I now have the time to devote to something that is all for me.  Shifting indeed.

So, I’m getting my hair highlighted for the first time ever on Saturday.  I always swore I would “age naturally and gracefully” but then the gray hairs started to really pop out.  People have started looking up at my wiry little gray stragglers rather than at my eyes when they talk to me.  To hell with aging naturally!  I may still be able to hold on to gracefully though, if I get my act together. 

But this whole hair coloring thing has gotten me thinking.  What good is looking 30-ish when you feel 80-ish?  I have been “out of balance” for quite awhile now.  Being naturally skinny, I’ve never paid much attention to what I eat, and I’ve been able to get by without much formal exercise.  (I have used the excuses that keeping up with the kids is exercise enough…running loads of laundry up and down two flights of stairs should count…) Now as I approach 40, I feel out of whack—my body is not my own all of a sudden and it’s time to get serious.  I don’t want to be that skinny, decrepate, hunched over old lady at 70.  I want to be healthy enough and strong enough to travel the world with Zan when we are empty nesters and that’s still a good 16 years away (thank God!)  I want to be emotionally stable enough to face all my kids teenage years without becoming a closet alcoholic.  So for the first time ever (outside of my 30 total months of pregnancy) I am going to take serious care of my insides so they will be worthy of my new younger-looking outsides.

I am surrounded by people who are working hard to take better care of themselves, so there’s never been a better time than now.  It may seem a small thing, but my first order of business is drinking my quota of water…I am very naughty in this area so this will be a challenge.  And I have to break my addiction to caffeine.  SO much easier said than done.  I’m a coffee-holic.  This will be the tough one.  Adding vitamins, cutting out the crappy carbs (goodbye potato bread…I loooovvvved you…..*she whispers longingly*)  Eating my servings of fruits and veggies instead of those lovely cans of corned beef hash, frozen microwaveable hot pockets, and fries from McD’s.  And then, the true challenge for me, getting back to yoga and staying with it.  I’ve been lamenting the loss of my yoga for years now…it’s time to reclaim the peace and strength I felt back then. 

It won’t all happen at once, but I can’t continue to be passive and expect my body to take care of itself like it always has.  It’s letting me know that it needs a little help.  We all have our demons to battle, and now I enter a battle of my own.  Hair color may come in a bottle, but health doesn’t no matter what the commercials tell you.

So, I figured my “real” blogiversary was coming up soon.  I sort of started this up in November of 2007, but dropped it as soon as I started.  I have a  bit of a bad habit dabbling in things, getting all excited about them, then dropping them.  Some examples include quilting, writing, making jewelry, piano playing, cross-stitching…you get the idea.  I’ve learned a lot from each foray into “something different” and have become a jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none sort of girl.  But that’s okay…I’ve stuck with the really important things, like marriage, and parenting, making our house a home, and teaching.  (Well, you can’t hold the fact that I’m not teaching right now against me!) 

So, back to the topic at hand…I revisited this whole blog thing in February…turns out it was February 28th to be exact.  I don’t think I actually told anyone about it until the very end of March.  I figured it would be another phase and didn’t want anyone seeing my failure to follow through.  (Yeah, I’m shallow like that.) But here it is about a year later… I’m still here, and so are many of you…and we’ve added a few “cyber” friends along the way.  🙂

So here’s last year’s February 28th entry…the one that kicked it all off:

Boy, am I in a funk!  So now I’m gonna rant and feel sorry for myself, then maybe I’ll get to the root of my problem.

It’s February…I HATE February.

I don’t feel good.

The baby wakes up screaming at 10:00 every night…for weeks now….it unnerves me!

E. is having coping problems again.

B. is away…

Change is coming.

I can’t spend money on anything fun.

It’s cold and snows all the time.

I haven’t heard from the publisher.

My brain is shriveling from lack of use.

I’m in horrible physical shape.  I feel weak.

My neck still hurts so I’m afraid to exercise.

I hate laundry.

I’m sick of wearing layers….and boots…and coats.

A. is skinny, so I’m obsessing over feeding him enough.

I feel isolated.

And lonely.

Yep……there it is. 

What’s funny is, I could’ve written that today!!!!  LOL  Difference is, last year I was in the “downy dumps.”  This year, though all but two lines still apply, I feel encouraged, knowing it will pass as every other February “depression” has.   So I thank you all for sticking around, encouraging me to continue, and I hope all of you keep coming back.  It’s no fun writing to myself.  😉

~KD

January 1st has never been the start of a new year for me…well, yes we change the number, but September has always been my New Year…my time for starting things, revisiting my priorities, and reactivating a schedule.  I guess it’s the student schedule that never changed because I became a teacher.  However, I can’t help but take a minute today to look back over the year.  Although the world has been warped by chaos, my own family seems to have been strangely cushioned from the outside world, and for that I am very thankful.  Yes, our stocks have dropped with the rest of the world’s, Zan’s job has gotten more and more demanding, and we’ve had to adjust to his travel schedule.  But despite all that, we have been healthy, safe, and blessed with the things that really matter.  We have enjoyed each other in the small hours of the day, not just the big memory-making moments.   We have accomplished home improvements, nap schedules (no small feat), Middle School adjustments, and space organization.  My children are happy, well-adjusted, loving, respectful, and emotionally stronger than they were at the start of the year.  I couldn’t ask for more than that. 

I also took a minute to look back over the “blog year.”  One of the stories I shared with you awhile ago, I want to revisit for just a minute to give you an update.  Our neighborhood “Lost Boy.”  He is an absolute love, and I am very proud that our family and Dear Neighbor’s family has had a hand in giving him a little bit of what he needs.  He doesn’t come around to Neighbor’s house everyday anymore, but he is around us enough that we can keep tabs on him.  He is no longer riding willynilly around the town.  He talks to us when he is around, and he trusts us.  I’ve also seen his father around a lot more, and he is excited to tell us about working on cars and such with his dad.  AND, probably most important of all, when he is spending time at Neighbor’s house, his parents call to check on him, or have him come home before dark.  Small steps, but significant ones. 

Since I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions, I will end here by wishing a very Happy New Year to all of you, and many blessings for a 2009 filled with “enough” of everything that really matters.