Day: October 7, 2008

Do Not Read This if You are Squeamish About Eye Things…or if You are About to Go to the Eye Doctor for an Exam…Trust Me, You Don’t Want to Know

kanniduba7 Comments

Okay, so let me begin by saying that I am not some wussy girl.  I am pretty tough…I birthed three babies naturally and lived to tell the tale.  However, today almost saw me on the floor of the opthamologists exam room.  See this?

This is my eye, two hours after a dilation.  I have some glaucoma markers, so my optometrist wanted me to have a thorough exam to rule out any problems, and to get a baseline reading on my optic nerve.  “Will it be scary?”  I asked him.  “Nah!  No worse than you go through here.”  So, I expected easy.  I don’t like the sensation of having my eyes dilated, but I knew I could handle that.  But I do get a bit queasy at the thought of eye procedures in general, so I was a *bit* nervous…but he said it wouldn’t be scary, right?  WRONGO!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’m sorry, but if having a computer stylus pushed into your frozen eyeball 6 times per side isn’t scary, then heck on a piece of toast, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS!!!!  “Just look straight ahead at the red dot on the chart.  I am going to measure the thickness of your cornea.”  “Oh, okay….but wait, I can’t see the red dot.  Let me put on my glasses.”  “No, you need your glasses off.  Just look in the direction of the chart then.”  “Hmm…okay.  Wait, what are you doing with that pen?  Wait!  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!”  My cries went unanswered, and she proceeded to stick that damned thing in my eye!!!  Not once, but SIX TIMES!!!!!!  AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

The good news is that my eyes are perfectly healthy, although a bit abnormally structured.  It’s a good thing too, because I am never going back to that torture chamber again.  Nevermind that in hindsight (no pun intended) the procedure wasn’t really that bad…the idea of it is worse than the actual going through it.  But still…if God had wanted a pen poking into your eye, he would’ve put it there himself.  It’s just not natural.  *shudder*

Addendum:  Please see this follow-up post!

Showcase Syndrome

kanniduba4 Comments

They really need to coin this term and add it in the next DSM Manual of Mental Disorders.  I will even write the diagnostic criteria for them.  *ahem*

Showcase Syndrome is a newly confirmed diagnosis whereas the patient experiences mild to grave symptoms of depression following an annual trip to a Home Builders’ Showcase.  The symptoms are defined, but not limited to:

* lethargy

* emotional outbursts (these may range from mere weepiness to the more puzzling violent anger, especially when patient is confronted with an organizational dilemma which can’t be solved because patient does not possess a closet the size of her living room.)

*  periods of intense staring and daydreaming  (following a long-term study, it has been concluded that during these staring episodes, the patient is imagining herself in the middle of her fantasy kitchen, complete with glass tiles, Viking stove, and roaring open fireplace.)

* periods of frenetic internet activity (it has been concluded that patient is searching for thrifty room decorating ideas which will aid her in visualizing her fantasy.)

*  green tinge to skin in especially grave cases

There is no known cure for this syndrome at this time.  Large quantities of wine have been proven to be temporarily effective at relieving symptoms.  However, the best therapy at this time is proven to be time spent reading the Bible and chanting “Thou Shalt Not Covet, Thou Shalt Not Covet” while viewing videos of Third World nations.