Initially the term “Widow” conjured loss, pain, emptiness…I shied away from it like I would pull away from a burning flame, worried that if I looked directly at it, I would be consumed and lose my Self entirely, nothing left but ashes and cinder.
Now, the term “Widow” is one I wear proudly, a hard-earned badge of honor.
Yes, Widow is loss and pain.
But additionally…
Widow is Strength.
Widow is Power.
Widow is Vows honored and fulfilled.
Widow is Survivor.
Widow is Loved.
Widow is Independent.
Widow is Filled with memories of a life well lived.
The kids are growing so fast…The Boy is a first grader now, loving Legos, video games, baseball, and books. “Little” Girl is a seventh grader, a talented musician and a budding Thespian, a texting fiend and learning how to apply makeup. (Yikes!) “Big” Girl has transitioned into a Young Lady. She is learning to drive, exploring her independence, and testing her wings to prepare for the flight from the nest. My kids are healthy and strong, funny and kind, smart and thoughtful, and exasperating at times! But what a wonderful year for them, and for us. 🙂
My husband has seen his job wind down to a close in 2013. He worked as Director of IT, and celebrated his 17th Anniversary with the company on December 23rd, knowing that December 31st would be his last day. The company will be closing in 2014. He is unemployed at the moment, but will be doing consulting work for the time being. We are blessed to have a severance package to lean on temporarily, so we are not panicking yet and he is looking forward to starting fresh with new opportunities…transitions galore!
In 2013, things took a drastic turn for me when I was elected to my district’s Board of Education. It woke the teacher in me from it’s six year sleep, and I decided to go back to school to work on my Certificate of Advanced Study in Administration. I stepped foot into a college classroom as a student for the first time in 16 years and loved it! Three credits down, 27 to go for my Building Leadership Degree, 8 additional if I want to pursue my District Leadership Degree. Time will tell. The family has adjusted very well to having Mommy out of the house a bit more often in the evenings to attend various meetings and functions, and Mommy has adjusted very well to being out of the house a bit more!
Highlights of the year included a trip to Disney World in April. We spent our vacation on property for the first time in a decade, and enjoyed every single minute of it! I would say it was my favorite Disney trip in our family’s history. We also took a trip to Plymouth, Massachusetts for a few days to see friends who own a beach cottage in Duxbury. Such fun!! And we took a local camping trip with three other families in August and had a blast! We hated for it to end and can’t wait to do it again this August. And I can’t fail to mention Zan’s purchase of a beautiful clearwater blue ’67 Mustang in pristine condition. 🙂
We had some family losses last year with the death of my Memiere and my Uncle, whose losses were felt sorely over the holidays. However, softening those losses, was the sweet face of my new niece who was born on October 9th! Our family is so blessed!
And finally, I have this saying written on a mirror in my bathroom, and it’s daily reminder has been an inspiration to me and has caused an internal transition to my Soul:
I decided that today would be the day to exorcise this post from my mind and heart. Not knowing what to say or how to say it has kept me mute on the subject, but it’s important that I find the words.
A little over three weeks ago, a woman named Jennifer Perillo lost her young husband suddenly to a heart attack leaving her to raise her two young daughters on her own. I have never met Jennifer. I had never even heard of her before a re-tweet came over my Twitter feed mentioning this terrible circumstance and urging people to keep her and her daughters in their thoughts and prayers. I followed the trail and wound up visiting her blog for the first time and read this post. I don’t follow many food bloggers, but I do follow our friends Ivoryhut from The Ivory Hut and Jennifer from Bread and Putter so I have a little window into the food blogosphere. I was immediately taken by the outpouring of initial support being sent Jennifer’s way, and although I refused to “Follow” her (not wanting to intrude as a stranger in her time of crisis) I instead became a “stalker” of her Twitter feed (probably no better,) checking in once a day, hoping she was surviving, hoping to see evidence of healing, sending an anonymous prayer her way.
Everytime I visited her page was a scraping of a wound I don’t own…my husband is alive and well, my children are healthy and are blessed to have both their parents with them. So why does the plight of this stranger strike me so personally? I believe it is because she is living one of my worst fears…I am constantly concerned about the toll that my husband’s job takes on him and the stress he lives under 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Even vacations are not vacations, as he checks in daily and is on-call should some proverbial “crap hit the fan” which it does more often than not. At times he sleeps with his Blackberry in his hand so he doesn’t miss an important alert. He takes much better care of his family and his job than he takes of himself, and I find my mind wandering to the “Whatif” scenarios more often than is good for me. Jennifer’s story and the posts she has poured her emotions into have struck a little too close to home…I can’t help but think, “That could be me.” The strength she is exhibiting is an inspiration; her courage, palpable; her pain, excruciating to witness.
But something else is stirring within and around this story. It is a story of hope, community, generosity, and resilience…in short, the best of humanity.
What I have watched unfold over the past few weeks is truly flabbergasting. From the depths of Jennifer’s despair has arisen an incredible and highly charged wave of good. Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes comes a powerful and highly sustainable new organization, Bloggers Without Borders, charted by our very own Erika Pinheda-Ghanny (The Ivoryhut) and her friend Maggie Keet (Three Many Cooks.) Erika was the recipient of the goodness of people (known and unknown) across the blogosphere one year ago when her home was completely destroyed by a fire. She has now gathered this force behind her to help others, paying it forward in a HUGE way. This fledgling organization has raised over $63,000 in less than three weeks which will go to Jennifer and her girls to help defray the many initial costs that the death of the primary breadwinner in a family leaves. Absolutely amazing and incredibly inspirational! More evidence that all is not lost in a time when negativity runs rampant.
I have no words of comfort for Jennifer, or for any others dealing with such a bone and soul deep loss. My Mother has always said, “You deal with what you’re given and survive it because there IS no other choice.” My grandmother has always said, “Life is for the living” and makes it clear that we should not mourn for those who have passed, but for ourselves who are faced with the task of living here without them. I come from women of strength and am determined to face whatever God has in store for me and mine with the same attitude of survival. I tell my girls all the time that we are strong women, and no matter what happens, I expect great things from them. I tell them to live, and that we mustn’t dwell in the land of “Whatifs” for it is a dangerous place to be.
I admit that following Jennifer’s story has forced me to take a personal venture into the land of “Whatifs” but believe I have emerged from that little detour with a stronger spirit, determined to take a little more advantage of the small quiet moments when life is……….well, when “Life” simply “is.” After 18 years of marriage I have a renewed determination to take nothing for granted, even the simple comfort of the hand held under the pillow at night. The “gift of an Ordinary Day” is sacred, and I will continue my prayers for Jennifer that she will find a new ordinary that is not only peaceful, but joyful.
I am highlighting Bloggers Without Borders in my Blogroll. I encourage you all to do the same for we are stronger united. I look forward to watching, participating, and spreading the word.
“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”
-Frank Herbert
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein
A Half Hour a Day 